Monday, October 13, 2014

Starting Over and Venting a Little

You ever feel like you are just going to explode and there is nothing you can do to stop it? I have been feeling like that more and more recently and decided that I need to get back on track with my life and finding peace. Today I exploded and ended up hurting myself as well as those around me. This needs to stop.

I try to look at why I'm so angry...and there are so many things. My parents and the relationship that I have always wanted to have with them is like a dream that will forever be lost and the actions of the last week just prove that more. I love my parents, but there is a large part of me that does not like them, and for the reasons I don't think should be published online at this point, I have cut contact with them sans a quick "Happy Birthday and Hope you are feeling well" text since my mom's birthday was yesterday. I'm hoping that not having them in my life will help me find myself and find some peace when it comes to my past and my childhood.

I also look at my modern day life...what is happening in the present. My daughter, amazing as she is, is still a preteen and is not going to listen from time to time. Of course I would love for an easy "yes mom, I don't mind helping mom" kinda words from her, but that is not how she is, at least not till I blow up on her and I think she does it more out of fear than anything. I don't want my child to fear me, at least not in that way. Some fear is okay, healthy even, but not the kind that happens after I lose my mind.

Also, the other people in my life. I have a surrogate child that is 20 who I want to just shake and yell and get her to motivate to do something other than float by; however, she is not my kid and she is not the type of person that will, at least in the near future, stand on her own two feet. She has come a long way in the two years she has lived with me, and I see that she will become much better as time goes on, but there are times where I wish I could have a remote (remember that movie) and just fast forward a little with her.

There is my ex-husband who lives with us, and though he is a good dad, I want to yell and scream at him "pay attention to the daughter who is in front of your face and not the girls online". This is a huge part of why we are divorced. He was doing so much better there for some time, but now it seems he is going back to his old ways and she is now being left behind. Best of all, some major changes are in the works and I have no idea how to tell my daughter that her father may be picking someone else over do you tell your kid that?

There are my friends who I love dearly, but sometimes need a break from. Sometimes they get the hint, sometimes they don't even when I come out and say it. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in my room and be alone and I don't want to have to entertain you or be rude, but I try, I try to be nice and be there for everyone...but sometimes you just need "me" time.

Finally, there is my S.O. I love him, but there are times I wish he'd grow up and be able to stand on his own two feet. He can remember anything he reads about a game or movie or whatever, but remember that I don't eat dark meat chicken  after almost five years together and I want to flip my shit. I'm not asking for the world, but pay attention to those around you, not only what is on a screen. We, the people in your life, are so much more important than what you find on your smart phone (really regretting that purchase). Don't do the bare minimum to appease me, do your best at everything, pay attention to details and look up once in a while.

So what now? Now I write. Now I take an hour a day out for me and do some yoga, write, whatever. I write what makes me angry (anger management) and what makes me happy (reflect on the good times) and work on getting over the past (I think this is anger management again). I work on finding myself and do things that give me pleasure and work on finding out exactly who I am. I get a break from a lot of what is going on soon when I go to Germany (I'm so excited) and hopefully I will be able to do some soul searching there as well. I can't wait to take long walks in the snow through the middle of nowhere.

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