Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Something A Little More Positive

Today was good...felt good to do a little venting last night. I was even joking with my coworkers about their spouses and family members and we all drive each other nuts. Really reminds you that you are not alone.

Got a lot accomplished...and not a whole lot. Was one of those unproductive productive days...I'm sure you know exactly what I am talking about. Anyways...that was today.

I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with my daughter. We have our ups and downs, but in the end, we stick together. I have always wanted to have her grow up much different than I did. I always wanted to make sure she was happy and let her enjoy being a child. That comes with a price though...try to get her to do the dishes and wow...what a fight. Speaking of which, I need to ask her to finish the dishes really quick...

Okay, well that wasn't too bad. Anyways...Gilmore Girls got released on Netflix the other day, and even though I own every season on DVD (Yes I do) I have been rewatching them with my family Netflix since it is just easier. I started over with my best friend and daughter, and finally catching up where we left off with the S.O. Watching the show reminds me of what I want (well not Season 6 and 7 too much) for my relationship with my daughter.

Is Rory and Lorelei too close? Are there not enough boundaries? Can you not be a mom and a best friend to your daughter? I think their relationship is almost perfect (again, not Season 6 and 7 too much). I listen to friends and acquaintances talk about their pre-teen kids and how they don't want anything to do with their parents. Really??? Are you kidding me??? No matter how many times we fight or disagree on something, I get a hug and a kiss every morning before I go to work and get the "I Love You" all the time, I don't even have to ask for them.

We have "girl" days and we have our hang out time. Don't get me wrong, shopping is still a chore, but that is more for the fact that she doesn't really care for shopping and only goes cause she has to or she would have nothing to wear. All in all, I think we have a pretty awesome relationship.

Monday, October 13, 2014

Starting Over and Venting a Little

You ever feel like you are just going to explode and there is nothing you can do to stop it? I have been feeling like that more and more recently and decided that I need to get back on track with my life and finding peace. Today I exploded and ended up hurting myself as well as those around me. This needs to stop.

I try to look at why I'm so angry...and there are so many things. My parents and the relationship that I have always wanted to have with them is like a dream that will forever be lost and the actions of the last week just prove that more. I love my parents, but there is a large part of me that does not like them, and for the reasons I don't think should be published online at this point, I have cut contact with them sans a quick "Happy Birthday and Hope you are feeling well" text since my mom's birthday was yesterday. I'm hoping that not having them in my life will help me find myself and find some peace when it comes to my past and my childhood.

I also look at my modern day life...what is happening in the present. My daughter, amazing as she is, is still a preteen and is not going to listen from time to time. Of course I would love for an easy "yes mom, I don't mind helping mom" kinda words from her, but that is not how she is, at least not till I blow up on her and I think she does it more out of fear than anything. I don't want my child to fear me, at least not in that way. Some fear is okay, healthy even, but not the kind that happens after I lose my mind.

Also, the other people in my life. I have a surrogate child that is 20 who I want to just shake and yell and get her to motivate to do something other than float by; however, she is not my kid and she is not the type of person that will, at least in the near future, stand on her own two feet. She has come a long way in the two years she has lived with me, and I see that she will become much better as time goes on, but there are times where I wish I could have a remote (remember that movie) and just fast forward a little with her.

There is my ex-husband who lives with us, and though he is a good dad, I want to yell and scream at him "pay attention to the daughter who is in front of your face and not the girls online". This is a huge part of why we are divorced. He was doing so much better there for some time, but now it seems he is going back to his old ways and she is now being left behind. Best of all, some major changes are in the works and I have no idea how to tell my daughter that her father may be picking someone else over her...how do you tell your kid that?

There are my friends who I love dearly, but sometimes need a break from. Sometimes they get the hint, sometimes they don't even when I come out and say it. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in my room and be alone and I don't want to have to entertain you or be rude, but I try, I try to be nice and be there for everyone...but sometimes you just need "me" time.

Finally, there is my S.O. I love him, but there are times I wish he'd grow up and be able to stand on his own two feet. He can remember anything he reads about a game or movie or whatever, but remember that I don't eat dark meat chicken  after almost five years together and I want to flip my shit. I'm not asking for the world, but pay attention to those around you, not only what is on a screen. We, the people in your life, are so much more important than what you find on your smart phone (really regretting that purchase). Don't do the bare minimum to appease me, do your best at everything, pay attention to details and look up once in a while.

So what now? Now I write. Now I take an hour a day out for me and do some yoga, write, whatever. I write what makes me angry (anger management) and what makes me happy (reflect on the good times) and work on getting over the past (I think this is anger management again). I work on finding myself and do things that give me pleasure and work on finding out exactly who I am. I get a break from a lot of what is going on soon when I go to Germany (I'm so excited) and hopefully I will be able to do some soul searching there as well. I can't wait to take long walks in the snow through the middle of nowhere.

Time to let out the anger

I have been noticing lately that I have been flying off the handle a lot more. I think not blogging what is on my mind and losing my way to find myself has been a big part of this. It is time to get back to blogging and get back to taking control of my emotions.

Therefore, I have decided that I will take 1 hour a day out for myself, for meditation, yoga, blogging and getting myself back to a solid state of mind. Starting tonight, after dinner and once everything starts to calm down, I can begin to find myself again and re-introduce my Journey to Self Love.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Happy New Year and I've Been Hiding in WoW

Happy New Year Everyone! Welcome to 2014...a year of changes and growth. I hope wonderful things for everyone that reads this and their loved ones.

I've been hiding out in World of Warcraft for the last couple weeks. Trying to get a break from all the things going on and being depressed during the holidays. It was great playing with my hubby and spending some time with him. It has been the one thing that I have enjoyed over the last couple weeks.

Time to get on track with all the changes coming along. We are planning on accomplishing a lot this year, but waiting for the first step to get going. Oh well, that will come...in the meantime, this is what I have planned.

Starting tomorrow, take a picture or a couple pictures of something every day to learn more about how to take pictures. I want to learn photography so if you have any suggestions for blogs, websites or books I should read, please let me know.

I'm also going to work on a book I started a while back and try to complete it by June. More on that as it progresses so no spoilers here just yet.

I'm also starting to do more soul searching and meditation. On Wednesday I will be going to a meditation class / group to meet some new people and hopefully get on the path to finding myself again.

Finally I have to get more active. The constant rain has been hindering me from going outside much, but hopefully things will clear up here soon and I can get my hubby out there with me moving around.

That's about it...so any suggestions you all may have, please share! And what are your goals for 2014? I'd love to hear them.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Life Loves to Throw You Tests

Img Ref: Business Analyst Mentor
I don't test well and make myself sick thinking about and upcoming test. The butterflies in your stomach, nerves making you want to go insane, and I do this no matter what type of test life is deciding to throw my way. I've always done well in school, but no matter how much I study, the day of and the days leading up to the test I am so crazy scared.

Everyone says just relax, you will do fine. You always do great when you really want something, but all the encouragement in the world doesn't help. It just makes me feel like I now have to definitely pass this next life test to prove again that I can do it, not matter what "it" is.

So I have a test coming up. I am studying like crazy, doing research, reading everything I can get my hands on, writing down ideas and study notes, everything I can do to prepare. I'm just hoping I do well in the end to get the result I desire.

Lesson 7: Keep calm and trust in yourself. I know I can do this. I may stumble, I may balk a little, but I know I have prepared myself, I know the information and I will be able to do this.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Catching Up, Moving Forward and Creating a Plan

This past week has been difficult. A lot has been going on. We finally got things done we have been putting off way too long. We also have started to get back on a schedule and getting things done so we have more free time to do things we love to do. It has definitely been nice.

Chelsea has been my biggest challenge, but after reading a great article on organization for kids with ADHD, I think I can find a more successful way of dealing with everything. This is definitely a website I am going to start following more closely as there is a ton of useful information.

I am starting to realize my full potential and what I am looking for with this next phase of my life. I love my family and friends, but realize that by spending more alone time with myself and finding out who I am is really helping me find my own niche.

I also realized by writing my top to do list for every day is making me feel more accomplished and getting things done at a much smoother rate then my old habits of just flying by the seat of my pants. I've always been organized at work…so organized I can tell you where every piece of paper is and what is on it. At home I can’t find anything and it is such chaos. I honestly don’t know how I go from one extreme to the other in a single day, but I have always done this. Locker at school was perfect. Desk at home was a complete mess.

Lesson 6: Make a plan and then complete it. By the end of the month I plan on finding my “new home”, finishing the book I have been reading including the exercises, get at least a third of the book I’m writing done and spend more quality time with my family. In about 2 weeks I will start planning my New Year and get 2014 off to a great start. I figure I’ll give myself a yearly goal, a monthly goal along with weekly goals and check them off as I go. Seems to be working well at work so let’s be successful at home too.

So now go get a planner and get to figuring it all out. What are some of the things you are planning for the New Year? I’m going to be a photographer (not professionally, but I want to be a good one).

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Looking for a Change of Pace and a Change of Scenery

I am born and raised in South Florida and I have to say, for a state everyone seems to want to come to, I would love more than anything to get out of it. It is hot almost all year around (we just got our first decrease in temperature all year and it is still in the 70's). There is no change in seasons, it is always green. And seriously, palm trees are ugly!

I'm sure there are people out there thinking the above statement is crazy, but when you have never really seen the leaves turn, had a Halloween when it actually felt like fall, or been able to cozy by a fireplace during the winter, then not really crazy to want that. Oh, and I forgot to mention the sand...there is so much sand and gets in everything and doesn't grow anything substantial. Bleh.

So I am thinking, why not just move somewhere else? Well that's the next step. I have decided I need to move anywhere but here. So my new quest is to find a place that works for my family and go there. But one can not just pick up an move with no idea of where they are going, at least not one with a family. So I am figuring it out slowly and hoping for some good news in the upcoming weeks that can make my decision final.

And the rest of the family? They are on board. Chelsea is a little hesitant, and I get that, but I think she will do just fine with the change. So it is official, once we get things worked out, we are moving. We are finally going to have a change of scenery.

The change of pace is me coming to realize that I need to just let go and work through things. Instead of worrying about every little thing, just work hard, keep trucking along, and actually rest when it is warranted instead of worrying myself sick about all the "what if's" that may or may not happen.

Saturday, November 30, 2013

First Successful Thanksgiving and Family Things

We finally had what you would call a successful Thanksgiving this year. It was far from what you see in magazines and whatnot, but there was no fighting, not very many verbal slams, and at the end of the day, when everything was done, it actually turned out pretty good.

Dinner started around 7:30 am and I was thankful to have Ron and Charlie in the kitchen to help me get everything going without making a complete mess. By 10:30, everything was working and it was time to rest for a bit. Did all the final preparations and had dinner on the table only 30 minutes late or so at 2:30ish. All in all, it went well.

After dinner and most people went home, we made a fire and sat out in the back to rest, have a beer and good conversation. I even got everything to make s'mores and we sat there passing around the graham crackers and marshmallows since we each got our own chocolate bar...yummy.

I have been doing a lot of reflecting since Thanksgiving. What am I thankful for? I am thankful for my friends and family, both blood and chosen. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and food on my table, something not everyone is able to have, even people I know well. I am thankful to all the comforts of my life. But most of all, I am thankful I was able to mend a friendship with my exhusband, build a relationship with my fiance, and get a little closer to my daughter over the past year.

So that is about all I have for today. Happy Thanksgiving to you all!

A Personal Fight Against Monsanto

Over the last couple months I have been researching the fight against Monsanto. As a person who works in the renewable energy and green industry I was amazed at how far behind the fight I was. Now, as a parent and a generally good person who tries to look out for those around me, I feel like I am responsible for their lack of healthy foods and health issues caused by GMO. 

My daughter is ADHD and I always thought it was probably genetic. I have always had a short attention span, but I always attested it to be from sheer boredom. When my daughter went from almost all A’s to D’s and F’s I knew something was wrong. I have since put her on medication to help and she is back to mostly A’s. I’m not saying she isn’t ADHD and GMO has everything to do with it, but I would like her to thrive off medications since we still aren’t 100% sure on the side effects of all these medicines.

After learning of all the dangers of GMO foods and how Monsanto doesn’t seem to care about the health and wellbeing of the general population, I have been removing possible GMO foods out of my home and changing over to known non-GMO food sources and healthy alternatives. I went on my first real trip to a Whole Foods Market and Fresh Market in my area to pick up some supplies. I’m happy to say this is completely possible without breaking the bank.

That doesn’t mean I just threw out all the food in my cupboards; I can’t afford to do that. I am using up what I have and introducing the new foods that are being replaced when something runs out to help save costs and make the transition a little easier with my household. I personally was raised vegetarian, so an “odd” diet is easy for me adjust to, but with my daughter being raised on Kraft, General Mills and many other products that aren’t “safe” anymore, this is a little more difficult. Even my significant other is used to Hamburger Helper and tons of boxed foods that is no longer an option in my home. 

To make this transition simpler, I made out a menu list for the next 2 weeks that includes our “normal” eating habits such as taco night, sloppy joes, steaks and veggies on the grill and meatless options such as potato soup and tortellini veggie soup. I went to the new amazing grocery stores and picked up anything needed for the two weeks that was not already in stock at home. I ended up spending about the same as if I would have gone to my local grocery store and feel better since now my family will be provided much healthier foods without all the additives. 

One of the best things about these non-GMO healthy foods is the fact you can read and comprehend every single ingredient on the package. No strange words that you would need to look up online. One of my other favorite things is the ability to purchase local goods over any other brand since Whole Foods Market actually labels their local brands. The only thing I didn’t purchase from them was my produce, which I got from my local farmer’s market just around the corner from my home, and I’ll do that while I set up my own edible landscape at home.

My fight may be a little slower to start than you would expect, and it will take me a little longer to purge my home of all the bad foods, but by summer’s end I hope to be rid of all non-organic, GMO laden foods. I am also going to work with my daughter to get her off her meds through the next school year. I hope Monsanto gets taken down, or at least has to label their foods and inform the public of the side effects of their process.

Updated: My daughter has come off her meds, and with the support of her amazing teachers, we are succeeding. More people need to understand that food can seriously effect your children and making sure to feed them good foods is key to their health and well being. Read more about a great study on the Whole New Mom

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Do Something Scary and Get Uncomfortable

I have been reading a book I have put off for a year now and I am actually going through the motions by doing the exercises and answering all the questions. I have to say, this book really throws reality in your face and makes you finally face the fact that your unhappiness is your own fault and you are the only person who can do something about that. Huh...okay, so I suck at being me. Now what???

Do Something Scary
Img Src: Good
After it shows you why you suck, and I mean really in your face show you, it makes you figure out things you want; material, being, etc. What do you really want from life...what makes you tick...what will make you happy? This list is actually a lot harder for me then I initially thought. I am not used to thinking about what I want. I'm used to putting everyone else in front of my own needs. To be honest, I am still working on this list.

After that, the book tells you to do something scary and get uncomfortable. Yeah, this I'm looking forward to...not! I am so stuck in my "comfortable" zone, but as the book explains, this is why we become unhappy, depressed and all around just suck. Well I have a lot more to go through this book before it's over, and I'll let you know what the book is when I finish it, but for now the main lesson I learned is I suck at making myself happy. Now to work on fixing that.

And it isn't just the book telling me that being stuck in a pattern and making yourself "bored" is why we get so lost. I read a great blog post the other day about How To Find Yourself When You've Lost Yourself and it struck a cord with me. I can totally relate, up to the point when she tells you to do something scary and get uncomfortable. Yikes!

Lesson 5: Do Something Scary and Get Uncomfortable. Okay, fine. I'm doing something scary and getting uncomfortable. I am putting my personal thoughts and feelings out there for people to read. I am starting to work on a new path that I can't quite put online just yet, but it will help me break my "routine". Am I scared yet...not totally. I'm not even totally uncomfortable yet, but I am looking for that "ah hah" moment when I can just break free and jump. My whole life has been so calculated that just taking baby steps out of my comfort zone is making me lose my mind, but in return, I see a small light at then end of this journey and who knows, maybe I finally can exist again.

So what's next? Keep going on different paths till I reach an edge and finally push myself off this ledge and take the jump.
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