Something A Little More Positive

Today was good...felt good to do a little venting last night. I was even joking with my coworkers about their spouses and family members and we all drive each other nuts. Really reminds you that you are not alone.

Got a lot accomplished...and not a whole lot. Was one of those unproductive productive days...I'm sure you know exactly what I am talking about. Anyways...that was today.

I have been thinking a lot about my relationship with my daughter. We have our ups and downs, but in the end, we stick together. I have always wanted to have her grow up much different than I did. I always wanted to make sure she was happy and let her enjoy being a child. That comes with a price though...try to get her to do the dishes and wow...what a fight. Speaking of which, I need to ask her to finish the dishes really quick...

Okay, well that wasn't too bad. Anyways...Gilmore Girls got released on Netflix the other day, and even though I own every season on DVD (Yes I do) I have been rewatching them with my family Netflix since it is just easier. I started over with my best friend and daughter, and finally catching up where we left off with the S.O. Watching the show reminds me of what I want (well not Season 6 and 7 too much) for my relationship with my daughter.

Is Rory and Lorelei too close? Are there not enough boundaries? Can you not be a mom and a best friend to your daughter? I think their relationship is almost perfect (again, not Season 6 and 7 too much). I listen to friends and acquaintances talk about their pre-teen kids and how they don't want anything to do with their parents. Really??? Are you kidding me??? No matter how many times we fight or disagree on something, I get a hug and a kiss every morning before I go to work and get the "I Love You" all the time, I don't even have to ask for them.

We have "girl" days and we have our hang out time. Don't get me wrong, shopping is still a chore, but that is more for the fact that she doesn't really care for shopping and only goes cause she has to or she would have nothing to wear. All in all, I think we have a pretty awesome relationship.

Starting Over and Venting a Little

You ever feel like you are just going to explode and there is nothing you can do to stop it? I have been feeling like that more and more recently and decided that I need to get back on track with my life and finding peace. Today I exploded and ended up hurting myself as well as those around me. This needs to stop.

I try to look at why I'm so angry...and there are so many things. My parents and the relationship that I have always wanted to have with them is like a dream that will forever be lost and the actions of the last week just prove that more. I love my parents, but there is a large part of me that does not like them, and for the reasons I don't think should be published online at this point, I have cut contact with them sans a quick "Happy Birthday and Hope you are feeling well" text since my mom's birthday was yesterday. I'm hoping that not having them in my life will help me find myself and find some peace when it comes to my past and my childhood.

I also look at my modern day life...what is happening in the present. My daughter, amazing as she is, is still a preteen and is not going to listen from time to time. Of course I would love for an easy "yes mom, I don't mind helping mom" kinda words from her, but that is not how she is, at least not till I blow up on her and I think she does it more out of fear than anything. I don't want my child to fear me, at least not in that way. Some fear is okay, healthy even, but not the kind that happens after I lose my mind.

Also, the other people in my life. I have a surrogate child that is 20 who I want to just shake and yell and get her to motivate to do something other than float by; however, she is not my kid and she is not the type of person that will, at least in the near future, stand on her own two feet. She has come a long way in the two years she has lived with me, and I see that she will become much better as time goes on, but there are times where I wish I could have a remote (remember that movie) and just fast forward a little with her.

There is my ex-husband who lives with us, and though he is a good dad, I want to yell and scream at him "pay attention to the daughter who is in front of your face and not the girls online". This is a huge part of why we are divorced. He was doing so much better there for some time, but now it seems he is going back to his old ways and she is now being left behind. Best of all, some major changes are in the works and I have no idea how to tell my daughter that her father may be picking someone else over her...how do you tell your kid that?

There are my friends who I love dearly, but sometimes need a break from. Sometimes they get the hint, sometimes they don't even when I come out and say it. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in my room and be alone and I don't want to have to entertain you or be rude, but I try, I try to be nice and be there for everyone...but sometimes you just need "me" time.

Finally, there is my S.O. I love him, but there are times I wish he'd grow up and be able to stand on his own two feet. He can remember anything he reads about a game or movie or whatever, but remember that I don't eat dark meat chicken  after almost five years together and I want to flip my shit. I'm not asking for the world, but pay attention to those around you, not only what is on a screen. We, the people in your life, are so much more important than what you find on your smart phone (really regretting that purchase). Don't do the bare minimum to appease me, do your best at everything, pay attention to details and look up once in a while.

So what now? Now I write. Now I take an hour a day out for me and do some yoga, write, whatever. I write what makes me angry (anger management) and what makes me happy (reflect on the good times) and work on getting over the past (I think this is anger management again). I work on finding myself and do things that give me pleasure and work on finding out exactly who I am. I get a break from a lot of what is going on soon when I go to Germany (I'm so excited) and hopefully I will be able to do some soul searching there as well. I can't wait to take long walks in the snow through the middle of nowhere.

Anger Management and Being Critical

What the hell am I doing? I ask myself this all the time. Not out loud, but quietly to myself as I feel myself starting to spin out of control. Ever feel like that? I do a lot.

My significant other calls or text me every morning just to say hi and good morning. Sometimes I actually get it and respond back nicely. Other days I want to tear him apart for the interruption. Then there are days I actually do tear him apart. I hate those days.

I know he is just being sweet, but something else has got me upset and I go off. You didn't put the laundry away right, you didn't finish this project, why can't you put down the unimportant stuff and pay attention to what I think is important, etc...but in the back of my mind I hear myself screaming "what the hell are you doing?"

You hurt those you love most is what I've heard before, but it shouldn't be that way. Why is it easier to yell at those close to you than a complete stranger or the acquaintance that is really making you upset? Is it because you think they will stick around no matter what? Divorce rates today say the opposite. Hell, my first divorce should have at least taught me that.

I am the same way with my daughter. I am too critical and pay attention to the negative over focusing on the positive. I remember growing up with my critical mother. Bring home all A's and B's but one D and it is all about the D. Maybe I just needed help with that class? No, just get the grade up and maybe next time they will be happy. But that never happened. If it wasn't my grades it was something else. In the end you just stop trying since there is no point.

One thing I try to do is at lease tell my daughter I am proud of her. I am critical of a lot , but I want her to know I am proud of her accomplishments. I never heard that once from my dad, the person I stick on the proverbial pedestal, and my mom may have said it once or twice in between critiquing me for being overweight or not being with the right person, but I don't want her to ever feel like I do with my parents when she grows up.

So lesson 1: stop being so critical! Either to those around me, but more importantly, to myself. I need to lose weight, I need to watch my temper, but I also need to realize that it isn't going to happen overnight. Instead I just need to take it one step at a time and maybe one day I can stop asking myself "what the hell are you doing?" and start saying "good job, I'm proud of how you handled that" to myself.

Starting Out and Learning To Love Yourself

Ever look in the mirror and not recognize the person staring back at you? Or maybe you know that person, but just don't like them very much. I am right there at this point in my life.

I don't like how I am with my family. I am overweight and feel tired all the time. I am depressed and my job makes me even more depressed. Most mornings I don't want to even get out of bed. This is starting to really suck!

I see inspirational quotes and videos online day after day and just cry. I want to be happy, but can't figure out how to move out of this depression and get there. How do I look at myself in the mirror and love what is staring back at me? How do I find love for myself?

Its not that I am a weak person. I am actually quite strong emotionally. I am typically the backbone to those around me; leaning on me for support. However, I have found that I am at my breaking point. I want to just crawl under a rock and stay there, hiding from the world around me. I need to work on getting past this and find the love I had for myself at one point. I need to get back to that place in my head where the world around me isn't crashing down, where I can stand tall once more.

That is the basis of this blog. As a marketer who reads day in and day out to just be honest and connect with your audience, be transparent, be genuine and people will connect with you, maybe I can find others to connect with that feel the same way I do and we can all journey to find love for ourselves.

Sometimes the best support and advice you will ever receive is from someone you don't even know. So this is my starting point. Let's see what happens next. Talk to you tomorrow.