Starting Over and Venting a Little

You ever feel like you are just going to explode and there is nothing you can do to stop it? I have been feeling like that more and more recently and decided that I need to get back on track with my life and finding peace. Today I exploded and ended up hurting myself as well as those around me. This needs to stop.

I try to look at why I'm so angry...and there are so many things. My parents and the relationship that I have always wanted to have with them is like a dream that will forever be lost and the actions of the last week just prove that more. I love my parents, but there is a large part of me that does not like them, and for the reasons I don't think should be published online at this point, I have cut contact with them sans a quick "Happy Birthday and Hope you are feeling well" text since my mom's birthday was yesterday. I'm hoping that not having them in my life will help me find myself and find some peace when it comes to my past and my childhood.

I also look at my modern day life...what is happening in the present. My daughter, amazing as she is, is still a preteen and is not going to listen from time to time. Of course I would love for an easy "yes mom, I don't mind helping mom" kinda words from her, but that is not how she is, at least not till I blow up on her and I think she does it more out of fear than anything. I don't want my child to fear me, at least not in that way. Some fear is okay, healthy even, but not the kind that happens after I lose my mind.

Also, the other people in my life. I have a surrogate child that is 20 who I want to just shake and yell and get her to motivate to do something other than float by; however, she is not my kid and she is not the type of person that will, at least in the near future, stand on her own two feet. She has come a long way in the two years she has lived with me, and I see that she will become much better as time goes on, but there are times where I wish I could have a remote (remember that movie) and just fast forward a little with her.

There is my ex-husband who lives with us, and though he is a good dad, I want to yell and scream at him "pay attention to the daughter who is in front of your face and not the girls online". This is a huge part of why we are divorced. He was doing so much better there for some time, but now it seems he is going back to his old ways and she is now being left behind. Best of all, some major changes are in the works and I have no idea how to tell my daughter that her father may be picking someone else over her...how do you tell your kid that?

There are my friends who I love dearly, but sometimes need a break from. Sometimes they get the hint, sometimes they don't even when I come out and say it. Sometimes I just want to lock myself in my room and be alone and I don't want to have to entertain you or be rude, but I try, I try to be nice and be there for everyone...but sometimes you just need "me" time.

Finally, there is my S.O. I love him, but there are times I wish he'd grow up and be able to stand on his own two feet. He can remember anything he reads about a game or movie or whatever, but remember that I don't eat dark meat chicken  after almost five years together and I want to flip my shit. I'm not asking for the world, but pay attention to those around you, not only what is on a screen. We, the people in your life, are so much more important than what you find on your smart phone (really regretting that purchase). Don't do the bare minimum to appease me, do your best at everything, pay attention to details and look up once in a while.

So what now? Now I write. Now I take an hour a day out for me and do some yoga, write, whatever. I write what makes me angry (anger management) and what makes me happy (reflect on the good times) and work on getting over the past (I think this is anger management again). I work on finding myself and do things that give me pleasure and work on finding out exactly who I am. I get a break from a lot of what is going on soon when I go to Germany (I'm so excited) and hopefully I will be able to do some soul searching there as well. I can't wait to take long walks in the snow through the middle of nowhere.

We All Have Scars – How You Show Them Off Varies

I came across this amazing video this morning on Upworthy that made me really thing back to my own scars. We all carry scars, weather physically or emotionally, and what we do with them and how we show them off varies from person to person. I carry more scars than I can count, but since this is revolving around physical scars, let’s cover that first. But before I do, watch the video below!

When I was seven, I decided to go play on my dad’s boat like I had thousands of times before. I would throw my toys on the boat from the dock, pull the boat close and then jump on. Since the boat was docked behind my grandparent’s house, I would spend many hours playing on there while my dad and grandparents worked around the house or did paperwork from the business.

This time didn't go as well as all the other times. Dad had put up these ropes around the whole boat. I threw on my toys, pulled the boat over and jumped. But the ropes confused me and I hesitated midair and fell into the water. Being that I am scared of water, I quickly swam to the surface and proceeded to climb up the side of the dock, not realizing this is covered in barnacles and I’m in shorts, not that I think pants would have helped.

I was completely covered in cuts. I had made it to the top crying for help and saw my dad and grandmother running out the back. I fell again, sliding all the way down the post. Crazy me, I just climbed back up, this time into their arms reaching out for me.

The boat behind my grandparent's house

It’s not that I couldn't swim. We had a pool at home. I was just scared of the water and didn't know how to get out. And now I was completely covered in huge scratches and gouges which in turn formed into ugly scars all over my body. This made a huge impact on my self-esteem and caused me to become the introvert I am today.

You see, I had zebra strips covering my legs. I went from wearing shorts and participating in sports and team activities to being alone and wearing nothing that showed my legs. I even failed physical education year after year just because I didn't want to dress out in shorts and sweat pants were not an option. I was humiliated! And because of how bad I scar, it was visible well into my 20’s. It wasn't till I had my daughter that I looked at my scars in a new light.

I still have scars covering my legs. I have decided to embrace them and not see them as ugly, but as a story of what it was like to grow up. We no longer have the boat, nor my grandparent’s house. The house I practically grew up in. The house where I can still close my eyes and see my grandfather walking around. My grandfather that passed away when I was 14. There’s the emotional scar!

The scars have faded, but still there.

I look at my legs now and remember all the good memories that went along with them. I remember my dad and grandmother caringly bringing me inside to help wash off my cuts and making me feel better. I remember my grandfather paying closer attention when I would still wander over to the boat to go play, not learning to stay away from it, but to just be a little more cautious when I made that jump. I remember what it was like to have my family so close. To have their loving embrace when I felt like the world was pushing me up against a wall.

You see, after my grandfather passed away, my grandmother met a new man and moved away when I was 18. When I say she moved away, she moved so very far away. Our family is from Germany and she went “home”. I went from having my family here to turn to, to having them so far away.

I get to go see her every couple years for a week or two, but that isn't enough. I would give anything to move over to Germany just to be with her, to see her smile, to have her loving embrace back. I feel like I’m running out of time, like I did with my grandfather. I hate being so far away! Even making a phone call has to be calculated as to not call her in the middle of the night even though all you want is to say hello.

Lesson 4: Be proud of your scars. No matter what caused the scars, there is a memory or lesson to be remembered. It doesn't mean you have to show them off, but being able to wear shorts again and not care about what people think has given me back a little self-confidence and reminds me about my past.

Lastly, I have this horrible scar on my wrist. It looks worse than it actually is, but I don’t hide it because it reminds me to be patient and watch my temper, something I am still working on doing. I was working after having my daughter and was opening a box. The box cutter was new (we hadn't had new ones for months and the old ones were so dull you couldn't cut tissue with them) and I went ripping at the box cause I was angry and rushing. I didn't even know it, but I sliced my arm wide open barely missing the main veins running through your arm. I hate looking at it because it looks like something it isn't. It was just a careless moment out of anger and frustration. But it reminds me to slow down and pay attention.

Saturday Drive, Country Music and a Funeral

Its another typical weekend. We are blasting Pandora country pop music singing along driving the grade out to Okeechobee. This isn't a typical visit though. We are on our way for a funeral. I don't know the person but I'm going for Charlie. It will be nice to hang with the family too for a bit.

We just dropped the kid off for the weekend to play with a friend. I miss being a kid and just being able to play my days away...hahaha...who am I kidding. I didn't play at her age. I worked either at home or for my dad at the dry cleaners. But to me that was fun too.

So we are driving as back of country roads as south Florida has to offer. Crazy Town just came on. We went to Nashville over the summer so charlie can finally see what this song is all about.

Part of me feels bad for having so much fun on the way to a funeral, but that's life. You can't just stop living just cause others stopped. I need to realize that too. I need to start living and not just sitting in a hole.

I love being out here too. What I would give to live out here. So quiet and peaceful.

The funeral was hard. I haven't cried at a funeral since I was a kid. I don't see death the same as a lot of people and I'm usually the least emotional person there. But today I cried. Seeing all these people hurting. Seeing all the sadness mixed with a little anger and happiness. I think the depression was trying to push its way up to the surface. I choked it down as much as I could.

I want to cry! I do a lot lately. Maybe it is me dealing. Maybe I haven't gotten over losses that have happened in the past. Maybe something more. I just know I'm not done crying just yet.

After the stress of the day we went out for a bit. Listening to music and people watching, one of my favorite things to do, at this little corner of the earth called Terre Fermata. It is a nice ending to the day.